Handling Heckler – Part 3

Let’s play Audience Whack-a-Mole.


In my previous blog, Handling Hecklers – Part 2, I discussed keeping the proper state of mind when dealing with rude audience members. In this blog, Handling Hecklers – Part 3, I offer several hecklers lines to help purge the scourge.

Use Hecklers Lines

Heckler lines aren’t as easy to use as you might think. Just because you have a series of great insults memorized doesn’t mean that that’s all there is to handling hecklers. It’s a whole psychological game that you’ll need to learn. Be prepared with a variety of comebacks to fit the different kinds of heckles. You can write them yourself or get them from insult joke books.

For example:

Shut up.”

Out of millions of sperm, you were the quickest?”

Now you know why some animals eat their young.”

Isn’t it sad when cousins marry?”

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.’

“I’ll buy you a beer if you’ll drink it in Bakersfield.”

“Hey, man, I like doing my act the way you like having sex…alone.” 

“I’m sorry I don’t speak dip-shit.” 

“Only guys with small penises heckle. What were you saying?”

 “If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.”

“On a scale of one to ten…shut the fuck up.”

“It’s okay, there’s an old show business expression that covers this. Fuck you.”

If you get two hecklers, there’s:

Oh great. Stereo assholes.”

Easy On the Women Hecklers

You can’t blast women as hard as you can men, no matter how much they deserve it. You could call this sexism, and maybe it is, but it’s also a comedy reality. Everyone has a primordial instinct to protect women. Even women comics can’t hit women as hard as they can men. Of course, female hecklers are far less common than male. To deal with female hecklers, you must walk a fine line. If you hit them with too harsh a line, the audience will turn on you. Then again, if you’re not forceful enough, they’ll continue heckling and ruin your show.

Here are a few examples:

Please. Shut up.”

It’s all right, I remember the first time I drank a beer.”

“Don’t you know, you shouldn’t drink on an empty head.”

The last time you heckled me, didn’t you wear that same dress?”

You’re just bitter ’cause your parents wanted a girl.”

“You work your side of the street and I’ll work mine.”

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your heckling with my show.”

“How many peeping Toms have you cured?” 

Lady, if I’ve said anything to offend you, please believe me.”

“Ladies and gentleman, don’t smoke crack, this could happen to you.’

“Here’s an alcoholic who doesn’t want to remain anonymous.” 

“This is my job. I don’t go to where you work and steal your sheets.”

The best idea I’ve heard recently comes from my friend and comic juggler, Frank Olivier. He says, “Attack the man she’s with and she’ll shut up.” Here’s one of Frank’s lines:

“And look at the guy she’s with. I guess I’d look like that too if each morning I woke up with a woman like that.”

In my next article, Handling Hecklers – Part 4, I’ll discuss several more helpful tips for handling hecklers.

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